Love and Loss
by Amanda Hawthorn
Summary: He refused to believe that it was really over, that Fiona had given up on him and moved on…but he knew there would come a time when he would have to let her go and he had no one to blame but himself. Spoilers for 7x02


**Disclaimer: Burn Notice doesn't belong to me unfortunately. If it did Michael and Fiona would have gone off together in the sunset by now!**

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who left reviews for my last story. I appreciate every comment as well as the PM's, story favourites and follows. Huge thanks to my friends JediSkysinger and Purdy's Pal for reading through this. Also extra thanks to JediSkysinger for her speedy BETA work too.**

**Lastly thanks to DaisyDay, Noelle and all the girls on twitter for the constant love and support**

**This story is based on 7x02**

_**He refused to believe that it was really over, that Fiona had given up on him and moved on…but he knew there would come a time when he would have to let her go and he had no one to blame but himself.**_

Love and Loss

Michael Westen was used to bouts of depression, but he had never felt like this, not in all the years since Ireland. He'd left Fiona and his family just over nine months ago without a backwards glance. A total separation was necessary. He knew that, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Now that brutal break that had seemed the kindest way to sever those ties had come back to haunt him, in more ways than one. Watching Fiona go to another man had hurt, but it was nothing compared to the total devastation when she had kissed him goodbye.

He moved on auto pilot, listening to the drone of Strong's voice as his mind wandered to happier times. He may have fallen in love with his beautiful fiery girlfriend behind another guise, but the love he had felt was all him. He refused to believe that it was really over, that Fiona had given up on him and moved on…but he knew there would come a time when he would have to let her go and he had no one to blame but himself.

His eyes drifted to the surveillance screens that hadn't yet been disabled, feeling like an intruder once more. Spying on the people he loved wasn't something that he had wanted to do, but as his eyes settled over the screen that was still transmitting from Fiona's new house, he couldn't seem to turn away. Stepping closer he watched the images appear before him and felt his heart clench inside his chest. He hadn't been prepared to watch as the woman he would always love crumbled before his very eyes.

All he wanted to do was reach through the screen and go to her. He wanted to beg for her forgiveness and ask her to keep her heart open for him. There was something in her shaking body that caused his own heart to quake, bringing every kind of sadness to crash over him in a powerful wave. He had walked away from the only thing in his life that had ever given him any meaning and now he was paying the price.

Fiona's movements caused him to shift his full attention back to her and he watched as she palmed the dampness away from her eyes. She had only cried a handful of times, and he knew that most of those were caused by him, but this was different. Her body waned as she covered her eyes once more, trying to prevent a sob escaping from her lips, and once again he wished that he could turn back time.

He watched on helplessly when his mother came into Fiona's house, dropping her bag to the ground within seconds, before she rushed to Fiona's side. Michael didn't have to hear what his mother was saying to know that she was offering whatever comfort she could. Fiona half turned and sank into the older woman's arms, sobbing into her shoulder while Madeline smoothed her hands over her back.

Reaching forward, Michael picked up the headphones and placed them over his ears as he tried to block the helpless sobs from his mind. He knew he should have stopped listening in the second those wails of pain hit his senses, but he just couldn't seem to stop.

"_It's going to be okay, honey…I promise…"_

His mother's voice resounded in his ears and he was once again transported back to a time when she had spoken those words to him too.

"_What… do I do…Madeline?…I thought I…I thought I was over…him…" _

Fiona's voice broke his heart and he wanted to yell out to her that they would never be over. He loved her, he had always loved her… he just didn't know how he was supposed to make her understand that now. Yes, he had screwed up. He'd taken her for granted one too many times and now he was paying the ultimate price.

"_You live your life, sweetheart," his mother soothed. "You build a future for you and Carlos."_

Michael's breath caught in his throat and he suddenly felt the sting of his mother's betrayal. Had she turned her back on him too? Surely she had to know that he was doing all of this to protect them. He was about to rip the headphones off of his head when Fiona's soft voice kept him rooted to the spot.

"_I can't…" Fiona's sniffed miserably as she slowly withdrew from Madeline's arms to wipe at her eyes. "I didn't want to feel this way again…I…wanted to move on, but seeing him again…I…"_

"_You still love him," Madeline told her knowingly as she took hold of Fiona's hand. _

"_I told myself I didn't, not after…"_

Fiona's voice was no more than a whisper and Michael had to listen intently to hear what she was saying, but felt his heart sink when he heard her words.

"_Carlos loves me."_

"_He's a good man," Madeline nodded. "He's been good for you."_

"_Yeah," Fiona's voice caught in her throat as she shifted in her seat. "He is…but…"_

"_But he's not Michael?"_

_Fiona drew in a sharp breath and shook her head in denial. "Don't…"_

"_Honey, Michael really does love you—"_

"_I used to think so," Fiona's sadness seeped into her words as she got up from her chair and reached out for Madeline's hand. "But I can't do this dance anymore, Madeline. I can't keep putting my life on hold for a chance that one day he might want a life with me."_

Fiona's words caused another shard of sorrow to filter through to Michael's heart, but listening to her voice had always been like a drug for him. How could she think that he hadn't wanted to be with her? There had never been anyone else since her…

"_I understand, Fi," Madeline told her as she stood up to gather her into a warm hug. "I spent half of my life waiting… and I don't ever want that for you."_

"_Thank you," Fiona told her softly when the two women pulled away from each other. "I should get cleaned up before Carlos gets back."_

"_I'll make us some tea," Madeline nodded._

Michael moved to the headphones and pulled them away from his head. Watching the woman he loved had burned a path of sorrow so deep inside him that he didn't know if he would ever recover from losing her. He'd wasted so much time when he he'd had her beside him. Now he wished that he had booked those promised dinners and taken a bath with her. All those opportunities she'd offered were now lost to him…

A tap on his shoulder forced him to bury his heartache once more as he turned around to face the man he had come to despise.

"We're clearing out," Andrew Strong informed him officiously as he glanced up at the screen. "Say goodbye to your friends."

"The cameras," Michael asked suddenly, turning around to offer his handler a heated glare. "I want everything disconnected. No more spying on my friends."

"They're no use to us anymore," his new handler told him, meeting the glare that Michael offered with one of his own. "Now, pack up! We head out in an hour."

Michael stared after his retreating form, anger welling inside his chest. He had a job to do, and distancing himself from the people he loved was never part of his life-long plan, but he had to do it for just a little longer. Glancing back towards the screens, he allowed his eyes to linger over the woman he loved one last time, knowing that very soon the news would get back to her that the CIA had bugged her home. He didn't want to be watching when she received that particular news.

Throwing the headphones onto the counter, he glared at the two agents who had been spying on his friends before barking orders to turn off the screens. It was time to get this mission finished so that he could get back to Miami and reclaim his life. He just hoped that when he did Fiona would be ready to forgive him.

That was his goal. He wanted his life back…

The End


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